I am a yoga teacher and I am always going to trainings to learn more and more about myself and my practice. I went to a training about six years ago with my teacher and in that training he said something that at the time didn’t really sink in but I circled it and starred it in my handy-dandy notebook. About a year ago I was rummaging through some of my notes and found the starred and circled quote and I tore it out and taped it to my mirror and it became my mantra. The quote said, “Compassion equals contentment.”. Like I said, during the training I wasn’t exactly sure why it stood out so much for me because six years ago I didn’t understand it, so my mission was to get it ,what does it mean…! So began my journey with my mantra and the meaning behind it all.
I had a lot of heartbreak last year, I was cracked open and swimming in the deep. But it was all such a blessing in disguise because out of those murky waters I held on to my life jacket, I searched for myself, for my life, I searched and swam to survival with every depth my soul had. I learned so many things about myself, about other people, about how I treated other people, how I reacted to things, how I chose to rise up. Somedays I had the strength to meet every part of the day with compassion, love and understanding. Other days I was grasping just to keep myself afloat, sometimes seeing things with jaded glasses and projecting my own ideas or thoughts on to the situation. At the time when my heart was cracked open so wide and the pain sometimes so hard to see through, I was in there, I was growing, I was learning and even if it didn’t feel like it I was fearlessly fighting for me. I love without hesitation, wide-open and I won’t ever stop loving like that, I think that at the end of the day everyone wants to love and be loved, and I truly think I am here to let people who are in my life or cross my path, know that they are loved and that there is always light no matter how much the darkness creeps in.
I have studied different forms of Buddhism and the main message I get is compassion. Compassion for all beings, and for the self. I had a hard time with the compassion for myself. All beings got it, no problem. To hold my self in compassion meant that I had to walk through my own pain I had to get down to the dirty of what made it so hard to give myself a break. This piece of my journey is still ongoing, turns out I was holding on to more that I thought so chip by chip I continue to chisel away at the mountain of life’s destruction on my internal being. As I started out I picked some of the biggest hurdles right out the jump I figured why not dive right in while I was already cracked open, no time like the present to tackle my darkest demons. Lost of tears, meditation, writing and long days finally brought me to a place of forgiveness. Forgiveness is so hard, it really is and sometimes I feel like I have said I forgive but in the end I was still holding on to the pain. When I learned to forgive when I really meant it, I was free. The weight of many years of pain lifted off my heart. Then there was all this space to fill up in my open-heart, that’s where true compassion set in. That is where I learned the meaning of my mantra. You see, now when there is conflict with a friend, a stranger, a lover; I can now see it with compassionate eyes. Instead of holding on to the grudge or to the pain I have a choice to hold them in compassion. It’s always about choice ,how I show up to the situation. I have chosen a compassionate heart. Carrying that heart with me makes me so much lighter, I no longer care about the small stuff other people bring to the table and I forgive myself when I don’t have my best foot forward. I also learned how to set boundaries, which is very new to me. It’s a nice place to be and although it would have come in handy to have learned this skill many years ago, I don’t think I was ready for it yet. But something inside me knew one day I would be which is why I starred and circled that quote from my teacher so many times.
Last night I finished teaching my class and a student of mine gave me a piece of paper, the title was “Love and Compassion, the Path to Freedom.” He said to me he has never met a person in his lifetime with more compassion than I have. I was brought to tears. He gave me a hug and said I alone have done more for him than I could ever know, and then he left. What I need to explain is that this particular student came to my class one year ago, he had never done yoga in his life and didn’t know anything about it he just happened to pass the studio one day and came in to my class. For his first five classes he never took off his socks and he laid on his mat very still. During savasana (the final resting pose) he stared straight up at the ceiling with his whole body stiff. He never said much but he kept coming to class. Eventually he began to practice fighting through every posture but so committed ,so so, committed. In class one night, there he was relaxed in savasana, my heart was so filled and my eyes filled with tears of gratitude that he had finally found comfort in his own skin. Pretty great! While I was diving in my murky waters searching for the meaning of my mantra, little did I know I had already been practicing it. The thing is my students’ teach me more than I could ever teach them.
What I do for a living is such a blessing and I have so much gratitude for it everyday. I get to put my mantra into play again and again. It also gives me the opportunity to share my wisdom; to hold nothing back, keep searching for yourself, keep growing, keep loving and let yourself be loved and most of all move from an open compassionate heart~
