Running~

I have searched and I’ve searched  to find the perfect life, a brand new suit and a brand new job I even got me a little wife –

but wherever I have gone I was sure to find myself there, you can run all your life but never go anywhere~

Social Distortion

I spent the last year searching, seeking, experiencing and allowing and I finally came to a place that lets me be still even at the most crucial and turbulent times.I recently was on a mini vacation and I got to see a ton of live music and it filled my heart song to the max it was like hitting the reset button for my heart and soul. Live music makes me feel so alive and free.

As I was on the airplane back home I was reflecting on how I was always searching and pretty much running in circles for many years chasing myself. Different people, different circumstances still taking me right back to me, things I needed to shed and parts of me that needed to wake up. This year was a doozy filled with lots of hard work and I wanted to run because running and going back to my old patterns was comfortable. I surprised myself though a few times this year because I have actually gained some ground to being awake. I have always felt like life no matter how it comes to you, should be lived, and this year I learned how to take in every single experience without judging or clinging to an old thought or feeling. It feels a little scary at times to be there but so much more steady. My heart became less entangled, and I discovered a deeper truth about myself, and an understanding that at any given moment I can hit the reset button. I have become more vulnerable yet more vibrant because I am unmasked. Even though it will take many more years of hard work I have at least stopped running and have learned to stand still. As my teacher has taught me, through patient training I can gradually shape my consciousness and I do not have to change who I am to be alive, I just had to let go of what blocked my heart.

From one of Buddha’s teaching on the heart, ” He remembered that he could rest in the universe rather than fight it. He realized that awakening is never the product of force but arises through a resting of the heart and an opening of the mind.”

Shine on~

Greatness~

Let your love light shine. Admire someones work, space, hands, feet, face, thoughts, smile, clothes, wit,drive, grace,greatness and tell them. Just tell them how amazing they are. I have found along the way to really lift ones heart and inspire their soul to shine is to honor their very existence. Love and Be loved~

shine on~

My Sunshine~

Weve come a long long way together, through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby, I have to praise you like I should~ Fat Boy Slim

Today was one of those days that I over-thought, over-analyzed and under experienced the present. I came home tonight and  I wrote this blog about headstands, hot yoga and self-criticism. Then I went into my kitchen and found my daughters paper titled “Last Lecture” for Speech and Debate. So I read it, and I cried. I had her young, and I had a tough childhood so I was determined to give her the very best life she could ever have. Turns out I succeeded and I couldn’t be more grateful for the person she has grown into being.

As I spent my day not being so nice to myself because of some comments that were made to me and some experiences I had this week. My daughter thinks I am the most amazing person on the planet. Her paper was so incredible, she gets it at 17 and I mean really gets that this life is meant to be lived and experienced through love, mistakes and being wide-open to all possibilities. She gets what took me all my 35 years to even start to chip away at.

Just when I think I got it all wrong, I didn’t. I have raised a little person to be kind, gentle, strong and ALIVE! Thats’ what it’s all about, our relationships, the way we move people and ignite them to seek and immerse themselves in this life. Sowing karma seeds. I had know idea how much she listened, how much she paid attention as she has grown up with me. All the things I wanted to teach her, the things I felt like I needed to show her and not just say, all those seeds, they rooted in her and because they are a part of who she is, she will spread those same seeds in her life and relationships.

I was with one of my best girlfriend’s the other night and we were talking about my childhood and she asked me if I resented my parents for the life I had. And my answer was,” no I guess if anything bothers me is that it took so long for me to  understand that my parents are human and they were doing the best they had with what they knew.I wish time and I had shook hands sooner so I could let go of the pain and heartache and experience my parents as they are now, not who they were then.” Thats all I have tried to do for my littles and really for everyone in my life ,this is it the very best of all I have learned to date. Knees scrapped, scars and all I wouldn’t change any of it.

In her words:

“If you can reflect these life changing lessons through your life here on earth, then maybe just maybe you can overcome life, all the hardships, and defeat the struggles life can take you through we can throw a big middle finger up to the world and say I win, I control my life. Take my advice as you will, but remember to be open to love, and life in general, because this will lead you to find true pursuit of happiness, and that is the key to life.”

Shine on~

Time and Space~

We were born before the wind
Also younger than the sun
Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic
Hark, now hear the sailors cry
Smell the sea and feel the sky
Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic~ Van Morrison

The impact of moments are often fleeting sometimes if you turn your head or if you are not present then you will miss it entirely. As paths intersect  its easy to not pay attention to the significance of the crossover. Yesterday there was a significant expeirence in our skies, an annular solar eclipse. Also known as a ring of fire.

Now when I think of the terms ring of fire I am jolted to my jukebox brain and hear Johnny Cash singing. Thats where time and space caught me yesterday.

I was at my grandaddy’s house and he had a welding mask so we could all view the eclipse, what an amazingly beautiful site. I was definitely in awe of that, and to bear witness to something that hasn’t happened in 18 years was pretty awesome!! As I watched my family talk and laugh and take in the experience of the eclipse I was jolted by how much time has passed through them. My grandparents are 80 and in the last year they have changed, they have actually aged. My dad and my uncle are very handsome men and they have aged well, time has been good to them but they are older still. My heart was doing flip flops between all the laughter and chatter and the reality that this moment is so precious for so many reasons, if not just the one ,that time can catch us if we just move pass those moments.

I was driving with my cousin to get ice cream and my eleven year-old son was in the back seat. He said to my cousin ” do you know how old my school is, its 89 years old,” my cousin and I both started trying to figure out if we knew how old our high schools were. Jake continued,” and there is this bench at my school and it has a plaque on it with In Memory of some guy, can you believe his family would bury him there.” I am still laughing about this as I type it. Don’t worry we explained he’s not actually burried there.

These things make my heart soar and widen to all its depths. The lines on my grandparents face, my dads really bad jokes, the underlying feeling that this is it this is where time and space crossover to make memories on my soul~

And it burns burns burns, that  ring of fire~

Shine on~