The Heart~

It moves slower, calmer more rhythmic than the last time

It seems clearer less jaded

There is a sense of absolution and knowing

There is freedom in the pause

As it ticks and ticks beats and beats

The open pain is turning to faint scars

Its frail cracks mend one at a time

Its timeless life breathes in experience

Its expands back into trust and lets go of fear

To exercise it is to love you

To know it is to love me~

Shine on~

 

The Pull~

My heart pounds, the beat is loud almost frightening

I feel the tremble in my hands and the weakness in my knees

Is it reality or illusion

The passing of all that grows inside

I let it move right through me

I shake off the dirt and rise to the challenge

I won’t give in, I won’t back down

Even if the illusion pulls at me

I will let it ride~

shine on~

The Grip~

There it sits residing within me

It’s a timeless clock with a slow pulse

Clutches me, wakes me with its force

I feel the pull, I move toward resistance

A louder pulse of strength

There is freedom in the bend

Reachable, attainable a release from the grip~

Shine on~

A babble of sorts~

I was reading one of my favorite books today “The Wisdom of Yoga” by Stephen Cope. I randomly open books I have a read more than once to see what I need to read. I opened to a page midway through a chapter that was talking about the present moment. The present moment as I know it is very hard to remain in and as I read on, it was so clear to me why it’s so difficult. It went on to explain that this moment the here and now is already affected by previous moments before and to remain in the present moment means we have to learn to let go of our unconscious and conscious patterns. The way it shows us is that first there is a trigger, then a reaction and then we take action. So it’s what I know, engrained in me, the past inserts itself into my present, and the past could be 5 minutes ago or 10 years then I react to it internally and finally it becomes about how I show up. My life cycle on repeat, HA!

This week I have been moving around in circles with self-doubt and questioning why it is after all this work and all this awakening it’s still hanging around inside my little mind and clinging to me as if it is unshakeable. I started a new job this week at a college and everyone I know was super psyched and happy for me. While I was also super grateful for this opportunity I nearly made myself a wreck over it..okay I might have actually made a wreck of myself over it. My job seems like it would be super easy and I guess in a sense it is. It’s easy to me only because it’s what I live everyday, it’s what I know but then there is disconnect in my faith of my own wisdom that keeps me from that extremely confident place. I had a friend of mine take my class tonight and she is a well-known teacher where I live one of the more popular teachers if you will, I was startled she was there having never taken my class before. As I started teaching I was forgetting what I was saying, it took me about 5 minutes to get my ego in check and remember that I am only there for my students and it’s not about me. I had a similar experience at the college I could hear the tremble in my voice and I could feel the internal shake that happens when I get nervous. I am pretty good at hiding it but  it sits in different parts of my body and swims around in my mind. I usually have to run, practice, take a hot yoga class, meditate or drink a whole bottle of wine..! But its not just the job its faith in who I am and coming full circle with I am enough and great if I admit it…

I was shy growing up although I guess if you don’t really know me its hard to tell I do feel like I carry myself well. The thing is I guess I have more work to do, I guess I have to dive deeper. I feel like its got a hold of me when it’s here it’s so strong, intense. All I can do is put my best foot forward keep myself moving to the higher ground, and the here and now and really just keep on keepin on~

Shine on~

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