The Heart~

It moves slower, calmer more rhythmic than the last time

It seems clearer less jaded

There is a sense of absolution and knowing

There is freedom in the pause

As it ticks and ticks beats and beats

The open pain is turning to faint scars

Its frail cracks mend one at a time

Its timeless life breathes in experience

Its expands back into trust and lets go of fear

To exercise it is to love you

To know it is to love me~

Shine on~

 

A babble of sorts~

I was reading one of my favorite books today “The Wisdom of Yoga” by Stephen Cope. I randomly open books I have a read more than once to see what I need to read. I opened to a page midway through a chapter that was talking about the present moment. The present moment as I know it is very hard to remain in and as I read on, it was so clear to me why it’s so difficult. It went on to explain that this moment the here and now is already affected by previous moments before and to remain in the present moment means we have to learn to let go of our unconscious and conscious patterns. The way it shows us is that first there is a trigger, then a reaction and then we take action. So it’s what I know, engrained in me, the past inserts itself into my present, and the past could be 5 minutes ago or 10 years then I react to it internally and finally it becomes about how I show up. My life cycle on repeat, HA!

This week I have been moving around in circles with self-doubt and questioning why it is after all this work and all this awakening it’s still hanging around inside my little mind and clinging to me as if it is unshakeable. I started a new job this week at a college and everyone I know was super psyched and happy for me. While I was also super grateful for this opportunity I nearly made myself a wreck over it..okay I might have actually made a wreck of myself over it. My job seems like it would be super easy and I guess in a sense it is. It’s easy to me only because it’s what I live everyday, it’s what I know but then there is disconnect in my faith of my own wisdom that keeps me from that extremely confident place. I had a friend of mine take my class tonight and she is a well-known teacher where I live one of the more popular teachers if you will, I was startled she was there having never taken my class before. As I started teaching I was forgetting what I was saying, it took me about 5 minutes to get my ego in check and remember that I am only there for my students and it’s not about me. I had a similar experience at the college I could hear the tremble in my voice and I could feel the internal shake that happens when I get nervous. I am pretty good at hiding it but  it sits in different parts of my body and swims around in my mind. I usually have to run, practice, take a hot yoga class, meditate or drink a whole bottle of wine..! But its not just the job its faith in who I am and coming full circle with I am enough and great if I admit it…

I was shy growing up although I guess if you don’t really know me its hard to tell I do feel like I carry myself well. The thing is I guess I have more work to do, I guess I have to dive deeper. I feel like its got a hold of me when it’s here it’s so strong, intense. All I can do is put my best foot forward keep myself moving to the higher ground, and the here and now and really just keep on keepin on~

Shine on~

Believe~

I am a firm believer that nothing is by chance that there are no accidents in this life. Every moment has a purpose and every person has a lesson.

Each time I am in an experience that moves me or jars me I grow each time I am challenged by a person’s personality or projections I learn. Some of these lessons are easier than others,some hold some of the best people and times in my life and some are the so tough and  so hard. When the darkness creeps under my door and clouds my mind or brings on a harsh lesson I can very easily step into a state of fear and if I let fear drive me I become stuck and stagnant. From this place I sink, but if I acknowledge my fear and let it move through me then I can step back into growing and changing. It’s that first step that often takes courage sometimes more than I have. Yesterday brought me fear to my door, I got a little stuck but this morning I reawakened by my unshakeable strength ready for the lesson and ready to move.

Last night I was shutting down my house, I have windows that surround my front door and as I was passing it I saw the moon and all its beauty. I love the moon how it hangs in the sky at night shining down its states of calmness and ease. There I was reminded of that  peaceful easy feeling. It threw me back into the moment it made me pause. My own thoughts had driven me to a state of fear and there I was reminded to take it easy. It’s amazing how something so simple as the moon hanging in the sky can bring me back to the present moment and reminded me I am strong and have the courage to meet anything that comes my way.

So I am locked in to take what I need from this and vibe on the currents of what I know to keep it simple~

Shine on~

Trust~

I keep coming up with the same word again and again when I am meditating. The word is trust. It’s interesting to me how I have looked at this word in the last week since its been popping in and out of my mind.

Trust as I know it is a process, in many different forms and for many different reasons. So as I have been examining what different ways I step into the state of trust and I have noticed some forms are met with great ease and some with resistance.

Yesterday I was taking pictures for my website and I was up on a large tree that was probably 4 to 5 ft off the ground it was an old tree that had been knocked down by a previous storm. As I approached the tree I was thinking this tree is magnificent and beautiful and then when I climbed on it, and started to do an arm balance fear hit me. I had to come out of the pose put both my feet on the trunk of the tree close my eyes and breathe, I reminded myself to trust my body to be strong enough and my courage to keep me from falling off. So I continued my session of balancing yoga poses both on my hands and my feet. When I climbed down I felt alive, shaky but alive.

I wear my heart on my sleeve when I was younger I was mush more guarded I didn’t trust anyone. As I have softened with time and learned that not everyone will betray my trust and I have built healthy relationships I can understand that I don’t have to wear a suit of armor anymore. But I have noticed lately  as I have been sharing with friends lately I have paused and thought can I trust, do I trust that this person is going to hold my words with grace and respect and not share them with others. The answer is indefinite because in truth this I will not ever know and yet I trust and continue to share.

Then there is the matter of my heart. Loving someone and trusting that they are going to hold my heart with the same love and respect as I hold theirs. This is scary, my heart has been broken and left me shaken a bit. Having someone to love lifts you to great heights but can also bring you to the very depths of the murky waters where you can get very dirty. The last time my  heart was broken I felt like the murky waters where going to bury me and yet each stone at the bottom that was turned over reminded me to be alive again reminded me to grow and learn. The heart is such a delicate muscle and I believe in exercising mine to all its depths and capacity to love, love and love some more. So I trust that my heart can hold all of what I allow.

I have been feeling a little out of sorts and feeling tested, some of my old patterns have started to emerge it reminds me that I have not learned the lesson that I need to learn yet from this behavior or pattern or maybe I have learned it and haven’t been listening. Trust in myself in the knowing that everything is exactly as it should be that no matter how much I resist or step back I can trust that this is it, this is what I need right now.

When I can remind myself to trust in all forms then I can step into an open heart and transformation happens~

shine on~